I have been struggling to get myself out of my rut these last couple of years. I have made some progresses but I am still frustrated with not having much concrete measurable successes with my life (financially).
Years of being a caregiver to my mum and dealing with dysfunctional relationships do make me feel fatigued and weary. Chronic stresses and fears have negative detrimental effects on my life and lifestyle habits. I have been conscious of the cause and effects, but yet at times, I adopted avoidant approach when I am overwhelmed.
Many a times, I felt I was bordering on clinical depression as I struggled to keep afloat with my array of emotions. I recognised myself as a highly-sensitive being. I feel too much, worry too much and in turn, I feel perpetually worn out. I am constantly working on creating my positive virtuous cycle to inject optimism in my daily life.
I do not wish to always be a defensive and non-reciprocating being to others’ kindness and acts of love. I want to be a loving, caring, giving and trusting person. Instead of always behaving edgy, irritable and distrusting.
When I become overwhelmed and stressed out, the worst gets the best of me most. I am not proud of my behaviours then, on hindsight. I am now always introspecting and doing self-reflection. Trying to be more alert to my red-flag behaviour and thoughts, e.g. transference, passive-aggressions, stonewalling. To be more mindful of keeping myself in alignment and in check. So I can unlearn my old habits to react at instance and flare up. This is currently one of my biggest challenges and lessons for now.
I have been wanting to seek avenues of help to expedite my recovery process but I am reluctant to be placed on medication as way of cure. I am not a firm believer of it. It may help to stabilise moods but the downside of it is, it may also rob the individual of other performing functions and compromise the quality of life. I still prefer to believe in alternative holistic approach, through exercises, healthy lifestyle and diet choices.
Having oral medication is not the prescribed solution to any mental illnesses one may be suffering of/from. Likely a placebo effect.
I prefer searching long and hard within myself for the root causes of my problems and what caused me to be misaligned. Many of my emotional insecurities and flagging issues are also due to the growing up years with my family dynamics. I need to keep addressing them and to keep at fine-tuning better ways to manage my demons. In fact, I should keep honing my skills to turn my demons into positive resources for me to flourish well.
I was depressed after my marriage breakdown. I lost all my hopes, dreams, drive and motivation for the future. I wasn’t even looking forward to any positive future for myself. I felt like a dying soul who was given an impending death sentence.
I was living life with very short-term perspective, being frivolous and rebellious in my head. With no inner desires to live, I didn’t plan ahead. Now I am forced to face up to reality. That I am gonna live in many years to come and that life is impermanent and uncertain, so I have to get myself prepared and secured for the impending future.